Is Work Running Your Life?

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” – Bertrand Russell Are you overwhelemed and overworked? Burning the candle on both ends?

Several years ago, I had breakfast with Dr. Ivan Misner and his wife Beth. Ivan founded BNI, one of the world’s largest networking organizations. His wife Beth is author of Healing Begins in the Kitchen.

While getting caught up, I told them about all the different business activities I had going on.

Ivan said, “Sam, sounds like a full calendar. What do you do for fun?”

I told him, “I agree with Katherine Graham of the Washington Post. She said, ‘To do what you love and feel that it matters; how could anything be more fun?’ The only thing that could be more fun is to do work we love, feel it matters and do it with people we enjoy and trust. That’s what I get to do.”

He paused and then said, “Sam, I think you’re dodging the question. What do you do just for fun?”

Long pause. I finally came up with, “Hmmm, well, I walk my dog around the lake.”

He just looked at me. He didn’t even have to say anything. Even then I knew that was a pathetic answer.

I’m not alone with being too busy to have fun.

An excellent 2014 Time.com article by Eric Barker reported that in surveys, people say they’re “too busy to make friends outside the office, too busy to date, sleep, have lunch, even too busy to have sex.”

Why are we doing this to ourselves? Why are we letting work run our life?

Why, when someone asks, “How are you doing?” is the first word out of our mouth often ... “Busy.”

Is it because we need to feel productive, important, useful?

Probably all of that.

But there’s something else going on.

Some of us are afraid to have fun.

It seems frivolous. Indulgent. Like we don’t have anything “better” to do with our time.

Somewhere along the line we got the message that fun is something we do only when our work is done.

Since, for many of us, our work is never done, that leaves no time for fun.

Some people call this the Puritan or Protestant Work Ethic.

Dr. David Burns defines this as the belief that “My worth as a human being is proportional to what I have achieved in my life.’ That may sound innocent, but it is ultimately counterproductive and toxic because it means our work ethic determines whether we feel we’ve earned personal worth and the right to be happy.

Sound like anyone you know?

All I know is that the conscious or subconscious belief that “Work is the holy grail and the secret sauce to success" is having a devastating impact on our health, relationships and quality of life.

That is not just my opinion.

Study after study shows the devastating impact of working longer hours, taking work home with us, of being so consumed with our job that “52% of us don’t take our full paid vacation.”

I’m not making that up. That’s a confirmed statistic reported by CNBC.

The author of that Time.com article, Eric Barker, interviewed many psychologists who told him their burned-out clients can’t shake the notion that the ‘busier they are, the more they’re thought of as competent, smart, successful, admired, even envied.’”

The toll of that kind of thinking?

Dr. Ed Hallowell, former Harvard University Professor and author of Driven to Distraction, says he’s witnessed an upsurge of the number of people who complain of being chronically inattentive, disorganized and overbooked. Many come to him wondering if they have ADD. He says, "While some do, most do not. Instead, they have what I called a severe case of modern life.”

What I know personally is that back then, (before I launched my Year by the Water), I didn’t have any time, energy or bandwidth left over for friends, hobbies and sports.

The answer to this?

Free up time for fun.

Play dates aren’t just for kids.

Figure out what puts the light on in your eyes and bring it back into your life.

Get crystal clear about what makes you happy, what helps you laugh and love life, and schedule it on your calendar.

To help you do that - because it may mean overcoming years of habitual workoholism - I’ve curated my favorite quotes about the importance of freeing up time for fun.

You might want to print these out and post them where you’ll see them every day.

Next time you’re about to postpone that family vacation or date night because you’re overloaded with “work,” ask yourself, "What is most important to me? What will matter in the long run?"

Next time you’re about to cancel a walk in a park, a hike in Nature, playing a sport, engaging in a hobby or spending time with friends because you’re “too busy,” look at these quotes and honor that play date.

Remember the saying from years ago, “No one on their deathbed ever said, ‘I wish I’d spent more time at work?’”

Keep that in mind next time you’re about to choose your job over joy. Remember what the Buddha said, "The thing is, we think we have time." Spend your valuable time on what will make you feel most alive.

Have you overcome a compulsion to be busy? Have you created a better balance between work and play? Plese share your experience. I know I'd love to hear it and so would others. Who knows? Your insights may be the right words at the right time for someone to get clarity about this important issue.

Quotes to Remember that Fun isn’t Frivolous, It’s the Secret Sauce to Health and Happiness

1. “Never underestimate the importance of having fun. I am going to have fun every day I have left. You have to decide whether you’re a Tigger and or Eyore.” –Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

2. “Work without love is slavery.” – Mother Teresa

3. “Of all the things that truly matter, getting more things done is not one of them.” – Mike Dooley

4. “This is the real secret of life – to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play.” – Alan Watts

5. “At the end of the day, if I can say I had fun, it was a good day.” – Simone Biles

6. “Laughter is the closest distance between two people.” – Victor Hugo

7. “If you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to be different yourself.” – Norman Vincent Peale

8. “Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul.” – John Muir

9. “Finding your passion isn’t just about careers and money. It’s about finding your authentic self. The one buried under everyone’s else’s needs.” – Kristin Hannah

10. “Fun is one of the most underrated ingredients in any successful venture. If you’re not having fun, it’s probably time to call it quits and try something else.” – Richard Branson

11. “Success is not about obtaining money or stuff. It is absolutely about the amount of joy you feel.” – Esther Hicks

12. “We don’t stop playing because we get old. We get old because we stop playing.” – George Bernard Shaw

13. “The truth is, existence wants your life to be a festival.” – Osho

14. “If you can laugh at it, you can live with it.” – Erma Bombeck

15. “In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you.”- Leo Tolstoy

Is Your Rubber Band of Routine Snapping Back?

Full confession. I've shared stories from my Year by the Water about sailing the Chesapeake Bay, swimming with Zach the Dolphin, and watching whales breach off Maui. But the truth? There wasn't a lot of water in the first three months of my Year by the Water.

What happened? The rubber band of routine snapped back is what happened.

In those first three months, I spent only one of every four days on, in or around the water. The other three days were spent in airports, flying, driving to and speaking at conferences, staying in hotels and working with consulting clients virtually or at their office.

Why did I revert to my decades-old habit of filling my calendar with paying commitments?

Well, the day before I left, I had a long conversation with Cheri Grimm. Not only has she been my Business Manager for the past twenty years, as my sister, she knows me better than anyone. As we wrapped up our call, she asked, “What do you you want most for your trip?”

I blurted out, “Well, I know what I don’t want. That's for this to turn into business as usual ... just on the road.”

Argghh. I’m supposed to know better. I focused on what I didn’t want.

Now, in my defense, there were good reasons that burst out my mouth. The weeks leading up to my departure had been intense with dozens of logistics to button up.

Still. When we focus on what we don’t want; that’s what we get. If we tell our kids, “Don’t run around the pool,” what are they going to do? Run around the pool.

If we're playing a sport and think, “Don't double-fault" "Don't strike out" or "Don't hit it in the water," what's going to happen?

If we're dealing with a difficult person and tell ourselves, "Don't let him get under your skin," or "Don't let her make you mad" we're going to do both.

I've been teaching this for years. It's in all my books. So, why did I do it?

I call Judy Gray and ask for advice. Judy used to run the Fairfax County Chamber of Commerce and the Florida Society of Association Executives and is one of the wisest leaders I know.

She says, "Sam, think about it. You've been a single mom and solopreneur with complete financial responsibility for yourself and your sons for fifteen years. To you, a full calendar means financial security. It means you can 'breathe easy' because you know you'll be able to pay bills.

When you set off on your Year by the Water, for the first time in a long time, you had 'empty' days on your calendar."

I can only imagine, at some level, that was cause for panic. It's easy to understand why you went back to 'biz dev mode" and started filling your calendar again."

Judy's right. We kept digging into why I kept compulsively booking more commitments instead of honoring my intent to visit bodies of water and write about them.

If I’m honest about it, and I want to be honest about it, ego probably played a role too.

Face it, it’s gratifying to have people value what I do. It feels good to be popular, to be “in demand.” As an entrepreneur, people wanting to work with me is proof of my worth.

However, one of the purposes of this adventure was to give myself time and space to be creatively adventurous instead of working non-stop the way i'd been doing for years.

I want to change this long-held association that a full calendar means I’m needed, valued and financially secure. I no longer want to equate being busy and being "booked solid" with being successful.

Judy says, “Sam, a few years back you got clarity around a similar issue. Remember what I’m talking about?”

As soon as she says it, I do.

The week after my son Andrew left for Virginia Tech, (Tom was already there), I was on my morning walk around the lake when I ran into a neighbor. We hadn’t seen each other for awhile, so we joined up to get caught up.

When she heard both boys were away at college, she said with concern, “You’re rattling around in that big house all by yourself? You must be so lonely in that empty nest.”

The thought had never occurred to me that I should be lonely or that I was living in an "empty nest." I smiled and said, “I don’t have an empty nest, I have an open nest.”

Her eyes flew open. “A what?!”

“An OPEN nest. Empty means no one’s there. I am there. Empty defines my life as bereft, as focused on who’s missing and what’s absent. My sons aren’t missing or absent. They’re happy, healthy and doing exactly what they’re supposed to be doing at this stage of their life. We’re still connected and we’re all free to come and go as we please.”

“Wow. I never thought of it that way.”

The second Judy reminds me of this story, I realize it provides the more positive, proactive perspective I’m looking for. I don’t have an empty calendar, I have an open calendar.

In my "previous life", before launching my Year by the Water, empty days = empty bank account. It meant that clients didn’t want or need me, that I was at financial risk.

No more. I tell Judy, “I’m going to disrupt the way I think about this and talk about it. My days aren’t empty, they’re open to explore, to reflect, to create. I don’t have empty time and space, I have open time and space to discover new places, meet new place, arrive at new epiphanies."

In other words, open days aren't cause for panic, they're cause for potential.

Another one of the many things I appreciate about Judy is how practical she is.

She says, “Okay, how are you going to make sure you don't give in to the pressure to say yes to every business opportunity that comes your way? What boundaries will you put into place so you don’t fall back into old habits and work 30 days a month again?”

Good question.

Did you see the movie The Graduate with Dustin Hoffman? Remember the scene where his parents throw a pool party to celebrate his graduation from college? One of his dad’s friends drapes his arm over Benjamin, (Dustin’s character) and says, “I have one word for you … plastics.”

Well, the word I came up with to hold myself accountable for my good intentions and new mindset is metrics.

I realized that if I didn't ground my new mindset in metrics, it would be too vague. It wouldn't be measurable or enforceable (in the best sense of the word) unless I attached numbers to my intentions.

And, the fact is, I still have financial obligations. I still welcome speaking and consulting opportunities. I haven't abandoned my business, I'm just no longer doing it 24/7.

So, I created a better balance of work and recreation. A certain number of days each month are scheduled with speaking engagements, business appointments and client work. And a certain number of days each month are blocked off and kept open for friends, family, adventure ... whatever develops that day.

Those metrics have resulted in the best of both worlds (more about that here.)

How about you? Are you going going, going? Working 7 days a week?

Despite promising yourself you'll take more time "off," do you find yourself filling your calendar again?

Could you put measurable, enforceable metrics around your intentions to set aside time time for family, friends, adventure (or whatever puts the light on in your eyes) so the rubber band of routine doesn't snap back and you revert to old habits?

Reverend David Steir said, "Let us always be open to the miracle of the second chance."

Yes to the miracle of the second chance. And yes to us taking responsibility to create a more balanced life where we spendd time on all our different priorities - instead of just a few of them.

Day Right Quote 57: You Can Love Your Job But It Won't Love You Back

A couple years ago this week I spoke for the Women in Consumer Technology conference in NYC and Cathie Black, former President of Hearst Magazines was the other keynoter. When asked her most important lesson-learned about work she said, "You can love your job but it won't love you back."

This came to mind because several people have said something to me recently about their job that caused me to think, "WHY do we do this to ourselves?"

One was flying from our afternoon meeting in one city to another city, had two presentations the next day, one at 8 am and she hadn't begun crafting her power point presentation which meant she was going to have to do it that night when she arrived on the East Coast after 10 pm or the next morning at 5 am.

One spoke about how "insanely busy" she was and that it was going to get worse before it got better because September was going to be a "brutal month."

The other had gotten sick six times in four months (she said, "How is that possible?!) and realized it was a wake-up call as to how toxic her work had become.

So, the question is, "Do you love your job?" At what cost?

Can you love your career AND maintain your quality of life?

How will you love your job AND make time for other priorities you love that love you back - like your friends, your family, your health and your __________ fill in the blank?