What Gift(s) Did Your Father Give You?

"My father gave me the greatest gift you can give anyone. He believed in me." -Jim Valvano On this Fathers Day, what gift(s) did your dad give you?

A good friend who’s a psychologist has a question she likes to ask, “What is something you remember your parents telling you?”

It’s an innocent enough question, yet it is a mini-Rorschach test.

What we choose to say – of all the thousands of things that were said and done throughout our childhood – says a lot about our parents and says a lot about us.

For some people, what stands out in their mind of what their parents said is:

“I’m sorry I had you.”

“You were a mistake.”

“You’re driving me crazy.”

For others, it’s:

“You can be anything you want to be.”

“You never know until you try.”

“Do the right thing.”

What do you remember your parents saying or doing that has had lifelong impact on you?

In particular, on this Father’s Day, what did your dad say or do that has stuck with you?

That last one from the list above, “Do the right thing,” is what our dad and mom – Warren and Ruth Reed - told us. Well, not in so many words. They inferred it. Here’s what I mean.

We grew in a small town in Southern California. And when I say a small town, I mean s-m-a-l-l, more horses than people.

If you draw a triangle between Ojai, Santa Maria and Taft, New Cuyama would be in the middle of that triangle.

My dad was the ag teacher at the local high school, which had 104 students in its “biggest” year.

Dad was in charge of the local FFA and 4-H club, which meant we grew up with animals. Rabbits. Sheep. Hogs. Cattle. Horses. Chickens.

When it was a cold wintry night and time to feed the rabbits, I would ask my dad, “It’s freezing out there. Do I have to feed the rabbits tonight? Can’t I do it in the morning?” ….

he wouldn’t say, “Yes, you have to feed the rabbits. They’re depending on you. How many times do I have to tell you ….”

he would say, “Do the right thing.”

When my sister, brother and I would go riding on a 100 degree summer day and come back on sweaty horses …

and ask our dad if we could just turn them loose in the corral instead of walking them until they’d cooled down …

he wouldn’t say, “You know the rules. You don’t leave until their sweat has dried.”

he would say, “Do the right thing.”

He instilled in us that when we’re tempted to do the easy thing, the expedient thing, the convenient thing …that instead we choose to do the right thing.

Thanks Dad.

You’re no longer with us so I can’t tell you this face-to-face, so I am sending my thanks heavenward.

Because of you and mom teaching me that doing the right thing deserves to be our automatic default, I did my best to model and instill that in my sons Tom and Andrew.

It is a JOY seeing them choose to live their life that way.

And it is a joy seeing them carry on your legacy as they teach their young children to become respectful, grateful, responsible citizens who choose to do the right thing.

What did your dad say or do that is still with you?

If you are lucky enough to still have him around, how will you thank him today for making an enduring difference for you?

If he’s not, how will you send your thanks heavenward, and let him know how you’re carrying on his legacy and doing your best to pass along his lessons to your loved ones?

Happy Fathers Day.

- - -

Sam Horn, CEO of the Intrigue Agency, has the best of all worlds. She gets to speak for organizations such as National Geographic and ASAE, her books have been featured in NY Times and on NPR, and she gets to help people create one-of-a-kind books and TEDx talks.

It's Never Too Late to Be Who You Want to Be

"Are you talking yourself INTO what you want to do - or OUT OF it?" - Sam Horn How satisfying it was to cross the finish line of the Bolder Boulder 10K. I still can't believe I almost took myself out of the running ... before it even started.

Here’s what happened.

The BB is one of the largest 10K races (6.2 miles) in the country with 50,000 participants. I planned to be in the area visiting my son Tom, and thought it’d be a fun event to do together. It would give us something to train for and look forward to. A memory in the making.

This is no ordinary race. It’s got water slides, a singing Elvis, a Macarena dance-along, costumes, parents with babies in backpacks, shuffling dinosaurs, all with the stunning Colorado mountains as a backdrop.

Unfortunately, in the days leading to the race, the wimp inside me started speaking up.

“You’re not in good enough shape to finish. You didn’t train the way you should have.”

“Your knee has been popping out of place. What if that happens in the race?”

“It’s going to be a hassle getting into town, trying to find parking with all the crowds.”

Who was this unwelcome voice, this nay-sayer, taking pot shots at my dream?

Growing up, I had promised myself I wouldn’t become a grump, grousing about my age and aches and pains, taking myself out of the game of life. Yet here I was doing what I had promised myself I wouldn’t.

I had organized running programs in Washington DC when I was in my twenties. We would take people who hadn’t run before, and with the support of our enjoyable group jogs around the monuments and Smithsonian, they could finish a 10K after six weeks of training.

Yet here I was, worrying whether I could finish six miles … walking. Embarrassing.

The good news? George Eliot said, “It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”

It’s also never too late to be who we want to be.

I told those doubts to get lost and started focusing on what a one-of-a-kind OPPORTUNITY this was. I reminded myself how glad I would always be I went ahead and did this instead of backing out.

I realized Tom and Patty could go at their pace, I could go at mine. That removed pressure. I told myself that if I needed to drop out, I could; but I would make that decision DURING the race, not BEFORE.

The night before, Tom opened our race packet, got out our t-shirts, pinned our numbers to the front, and researched the event online. After seeing all the closed streets, he wisely ordered an Uber so we could zip into town the next morning with no problems. Doing the actual prep made it all easy peasy.

Memorial Day dawned bright and sunny. A perfect day. The excitement and sheer fun of being surrounded by people making the most of their health and life was inspiring.

My comfortable pace allowed me to genuinely enjoy and imprint every step of this memorable experience. I wasn’t fast, but I finished ahead of the dinosaur. Only in the Bolder Boulder can you say that.

As I came up the final hill and into the stadium, I kept thinking, “I did it. I did it.”

Those words “I did it. I did it” are a fountain of confidence.

Every time we step up and do something that is in alignment with who we want to be, we like ourselves and our life a little bit more.

Every time we back out of something we want to do, we chip away at our confidence. We think less of ourselves when we pass up opportunities that would make the most of our life.

What is your version of the Bolder Boulder? What is something you want to do - have been thinking about going for - but those nay-saying doubts are creeping in?

Whether it's going for a promotion, getting involved in Toastmasters, applying for a job, or saying yes to speaking at a conference - you will never regret putting yourself into the game of life; you will only regret taking yourself out of it and wondering what might have been.

Ask yourself, “Am I going to be a spectator or a participant?"

Which feels better? Which will you always be glad you did?

You will never regret saying yes to life; you will only regret saying no and missing out on the satisfying, confidence-building opportunities and experiences that could be yours.

I'm speaking from experience. It's never too let to be who you want to be.

What if Your Day Job WAS Your Dream Job?

I was telling a colleague that bringing our whole self to work isn’t a fantasy; it can be a reality. She wasn't too sure about this and asked, “How so?” "I don’t think we have to silo our passion and profession. We can blend our work and recreation so we have the best of both worlds and our day job becomes our dream job.

She still wasn't too sure about this. She asked, What’s an example?”

“I will always remember a woman who took my workshop at San Francisco State University. We were discussing how our life-work satisfaction is directly proportionate to whether we feel our contributions at work are being rewarded and recognized. It’s hard to like our job if we feel our skills, talents and efforts are going unnoticed and unappreciated.

A twenty-something woman raised her hand and said, “I’m in trouble then because I’m really unhappy at work. I work for a law firm downtown. I’m one of twenty paralegals. We work sixty hours a week but we’re mostly anonymous. I don’t even think my boss knows my name. He probably wouldn’t recognize me if he ran into me on the street.”

“Okay, time to get proactive. Congresswoman Barbara Jordan said, ‘Anyone who waits for recognition is criminally naïve.’ It’s time to take responsibility to raise your profile at work.”

“I agree with that. I just don't know how to do it."

“The way to enjoy and look forward to your work is to ask yourself:

* What is a talent, skill or hobby I’m good at?

* What is something I enjoy doing? (Please note: it doesn’t have to be work-related)

* What would I do more of if I had the time, energy and resources?

* What did I used to do for fun that put the light on in my eyes?”

She thought about it for a moment and then said, “Well, I was Student Body President at my high school. I loved being in charge of activities, so I guess I’m good at organizing events.”

“Okay. Combine that with something you enjoy. What do you like doing in your free time?”

“Well, I used to enjoy reading books, but I don't have time for that anymore.”

“Bingo. Why don’t you host a monthly book club at your firm? Is there an empty conference room you could use at noon? Keep it to a half hour and make it BYOL (Bring Your Own Lunch) so even the busiest staffers can attend. If you focus on business books, your company will see this as a win for them and will be more likely to approve it.”

She loved the idea. Several months later, she got back in touch to report in.

"Work has turned into my own private Cheers – everyone knows my name. When I proposed this to my boss, he asked what books we would be reading. I followed your suggestion and had selected business classics like Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and Deborah Tannen’s Talking from 9 to 5.

“Not only did he approve the program, he said our law firm had a budget for professional development and offered to purchase up to 30 books a month for book club attendees.

Four employees showed up for our first meeting. I wondered if it was going to succeed. But everyone promised to bring a coworker next time. They did more than that; they brought two and three. Now, we max out the conference room every month.”

“Kudos to you for initiating this and for proving we can bring our whole self to work."

She said, “It gets better. My boss called me in to his office. I was afraid it was to cancel the program, but it was just the opposite. He gave me a promotion and said, 'We need more self-starters around here. You demonstrated that you’re a natural leader who can create a community and add value to our work culture. You earned this.'

Best of all, I feel like I’m my old self again. I’m organizing activities people really enjoy and I get to use my event-planning skills. Who knows where it will lead?”

Good for her.

How about you? Would you like to look forward to going to work?

Would you like to boost your professional confidence and create a higher profile so your talents, efforts and contributions at work get noticed and appreciated?

Ask yourself, “What am I good at that I enjoy ? What did I used to do that put the light on in my eyes? What do I wish I could do more of? How could I initiate that at work?”

For example, maybe you used to walk but don’t have time for it anymore. Maybe you could propose to your office manager that you lead a walking group at lunch. There are probably co-workers who would welcome the opportunity to get outside for a walk-talk (after all, sitting is the new cigarette smoking). Plus, it will boost morale and create a workplace camaraderie where employees get to know each other beyond their job descriptions.

Furthermore, you’ll be taking your career satisfaction and success into your own hands.

Don’t just think about this. DO IT.

This time next year you could enjoy your job and look forward going to work – all because you initiated on your behalf and turned your day job into your dream job.

- - -

Sam Horn, CEO of the Intrigue Agency, is on a mission to help people create a quality life-work that adds value for all involved. Her TEDx talk and books Tongue Fu!, IDEApreneur and Washington Post bestseller Got Your Attention? have been featured in NY Times and presented to YPO, Boeing, Intel, NASA, Cisco, Capital One, Nationwide. Want Sam to share her inspiring keynote with your group? Contact Cheri@IntrigueAgency.com.

Don't Quit Your Day Dream

“Don’t quit your day dream.” – Alicia Keys While watching the finals of The Voice and American Idol, something stood out about all the contestants, even though they came from wildly diverse backgrounds.

None of them quit their day dream.

Well, some did, for a while. Some gave up their music, discouraged by the rejection and the frustration of feeling they had talent that deserved to be noticed and appreciated – and that wasn't. But they kept a spark of hope alive, and summoned up the courage to audition even when the odds were against them. Even when their chances of success were slim.

Instead of abandoning their dream, they bet on themselves and put their hope on the line.

How about you? What’s your day dream? Have you always wanted to travel? Write a book? Start your own business? Learn to play guitar? Get involved in community theater?

Have you set aside that dream? Did someone talk you out of it or did you give it up because you felt the odds of success were next to nothing?

Why not follow the example of these contestants who bet on themselves and put their dreams on the line? The only thing you have to lose is … regret.

I recently asked my network for help with the sub-title for my book SOMEDAY is Not a Day in the Week. The winning choice? Make the Rest of Your Life the Best of Your Life.

When I shared with my online community, Jillyn Hawkley Peterson got in touch to say:

“Know what my husband said to me 18 months ago after getting tired of hearing me talk about something I wanted to do for more than a decade?

‘Are you ever going to do it?! Because if you’re not, could you please stop talking about it?’

I am now 1726 miles into a 3800 mile bicycle trek across the country and should finish sometime in 2019.

Because the only thing that happens someday is I’ll die. And then I can’t get any of this stuff done. I would make the sub-title ‘Do It or Stop Talking About It.’ LOL.”

Kudos to Jillyn for making the rest of her life the best of her life, for proving we’re never too old for new dreams. (Check out her blog Jypsy Jill Rides to be inspired by her travels).

How about you dream? Are you living it or have you set it aside? What is that one thing you’ve been waiting to do you would regret not doing?

And if you’re thinking, “I'll do it later when I have more time," please rethink that. You’ll never have more time than you have right now.

And if you’re planning to do this when you retire, please rethink that too. One of the saddest discoveries of my Year by the Water was how many people waited to retire to embark on their dreamed-of adventure … and when the time came, they no longer had their health or the significant other they planned to share their adventure with.

Rene Ricard says, “Tomorrow is another day. But so was yesterday.”

Put a date on the calendar NOW when you will launch your day dream. Not tomorrow. Not someday. Today.

You will never regret betting on yourself and putting your day dream into motion; you’ll only regret not doing it … sooner.

- - -

Sam Horn, CEO of the Intrigue Agency, has helped thousands of clients create quality books, brands and presentations that scaled their impact – for good. Her TEDx talk and books Tongue Fu!, POP!, and Washington Post bestseller Got Your Attention? have been featured in New York Times and on NPR, and presented to YPO, Intel, NASA, Capital One, Nationwide. Want Sam to speak at your conference? Contact Cheri@IntrigueAgency.com

Change Doesn't Take Courage - It Takes Clarity

"You can't be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute." - Tina Fey We can want to change, even know we need to change, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we will change. It takes urgency and clarity to change things up. Here's what I mean.

A forty-something woman names Beverly raised her hand in a SOMEDAY presentation in Waikiki and said, “I’ve been to inspiring keynotes before. I go home all fired up, then life intervenes, and two weeks later everything is back to same old, same old. Any suggestions?”

I told her, “Have a pretend S.E.E. to give yourself a sense of urgency and clarity. An S.E.E. is a Significant Emotional Event. Unfortunately, most are dramatic or traumatic. We get fired, divorced, have a heart attack or lose a loved one. This forces us to re-evaluate the way we’re living. We realize there are no guarantees so we’re motivated to focus on what's important and change things up now because we realize we may not get a second chance. The way I see it, why not have a pretend S.E.E. so we get the epiphany without the pain?”

“What’s an example of a pretend S.E.E.?”

“We can do one right here, right now. Just ask yourself, “If I only had a week to live, what would I stop doing? What would I start doing? What would I do differently?”

“You’re asking us to imagine we’re going to croak in a week? Isn’t that a little morbid?”

I smiled, “Thinking about our mortality isn’t morbid; it’s motivating. Sometimes it’s just the incentive we need to stop taking our life, health, loved ones and freedoms for granted and to change our life - for good.

She said, “Okay, I’ll play along. If I only had a week to live, I would stop letting fear rule my life and start doing things that scare me.”

“Like what?”

“Like going into the ocean. I watched JAWS when I was a kid. Big mistake. Here I am in Hawaii and I haven’t even gone into the water.”

I said, “Okay, let’s hack that fear. One way to hack fears is to realize they don’t prevent things from going wrong; they prevent things from going right. Do you know about the swim area by the Natatorium where Duke Kahanamoku used to swim? It’s only three feet deep so there’s no way you can get in over your head, and there’s only one small opening in the sea wall so the surf can’t get in and neither can the sharks. Let’s put a date on the calendar so you don’t wiggle out of your intentions. When are you leaving the islands?”

“We fly out in two days.”

“Then tomorrow is the day. Schedule a 6 a.m. wake-up call. When the alarm goes off and you’re tempted to roll over and go back to sleep, ask yourself, ‘What will matter a year from now? That I got an extra hour of sleep? Or that I finally overcame a fear that’s been keeping me from living full out, and I got up and outside and had a one-of-a-kind experience I’ll always be grateful for?”

“It’s worth a try. But why 6 am?”

“Because sunrise is at 6:30 am and you want to be at water’s edge, ready to step into the ocean the moment the sun rises over Diamond Head. It will be what Hawaiians call a ‘chicken skin’ experience. Experiences are more meaningful when they’re metaphors. You’re not just stepping into the ocean, you’re stepping into a new way of life where you remember your mortality and make changes to make the most of life now, not someday.”

I added, “Here’s my card with my number. Text me and let me know how it goes, okay?”

The next day Beverly texted, “I DID IT!” with an exclamation point and smiley face emoji.

What is a change you want to make? Instead of vaguely promising yourself you’ll do it someday, could you have a pretend S.E.E. to give yourself a sense of urgency and clarity so you’re motivated to act on it today?

If fears are holding you back, ask yourself, “What will matter a year from now?” Remember, fears don’t prevent things from going wrong; they prevent things from going right.

As Tina Fey points out, we can't be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide never going in. Courage is just remembering what's important.

You will never regret doing something that makes you happier, healtheir, more fulfilled. You'll only regret playing it safe, letting fear win, and taking yourself out of the game of life.

- - -

Sam Horn, CEO of the Intrigue Agency, is on a mission to help people create a quality life-work that adds value for all involved. Her TEDx talk and books Tongue Fu!, POP! and Washington Post bestseller Got Your Attention? have been featured in NY Times and presented to Intel, Capital One, NASA, Boeing, YPO, Cisco. Want Sam to present her inspiring keynote for your conference? Contact Cheri@IntrigueAgency.com.

60 Inspiring Quotes from Women Leaders and Entrepreneurs

"Life is too short to live the same day twice." - Jennifer Lopez A prospective client sent me his power point deck for his upcoming presentation. He asked for my feedback and I shared my opinion that it would be more effective if he had a better balance of quotes. He asked, “What do you mean?”

I said, “Good for you for featuring intriguing quotes to illustrate your points.. The only thing is, they’re almost all from what my interns call ‘triple name dead white guys” like Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau. They were wise men, but there are wise women you can quote who would add value and diversity.”

He said, “Sam, I looked, but I couldn’t find any great quotes from women on my topic.”

I told him I’ve been collecting and curating profound quotes from women to feature in my upcoming book SOMEDAY is Not a Day in the Week, and promised to share them here. Hope you find them as intriguing and inspiring as I do.

Feel free to share this post with others – and use these quotes (with attribution to their originator) to get people’s eyebrows up. Read ’em and reap (and credit).

"Life is too short to live the same day twice." - Jennifer Lopez

"Life may give you a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it." - Joyce Meyers

"In a world where you can be anything, be kind." - Connie Schultz

"You have to make mistakes to figure out who you aren't." - Anne Lamott

“One child, one teacher, one book, one pen can change the world.”- Malala Yousafzai

"When you learn, teach. When you get, give." - Maya Angelou

"I haven't been everywhere, but it's on my list." - Susan Sontag

“I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than the things I haven’t done.”Lucille Ball

"Dream long, plan short." - Sheryl Sandberg

"The life you've led doesn't need to be the only life you have." - Anna Quindlen

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" Mary Oliver

“You can’t give up! If you give up, you’re like everybody else.” - Chris Evert

"Stop wearing your wishbone where you backbone ought to be." Elizabeth Gilbert

"We are better than we think and not yet what we want to be." - Nikki Giovanni

"We repeat what we don't repair." - Christine Langley-Obaugh

"Action is the antidote to despair." - Joan Baez

“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” - Ayn Rand

"You have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.” - Jane Goodall

"When you can't keep up; connect." - Mary Loverde

“A surplus of effort can overcome a deficit of confidence.” - Sonia Sotomayor

"Perhaps we never really appreciate anything until it is challenged." Anne M. Lindbergh

"Love is within reach of every hand." - Mother Teresa

"Our life is our lab." - Sam Horn

“I choose to make the rest of my life the best of my life.” - Louise Hay

"The moment of change is the only poem." - Adrienne Rich

"It's the second act that has the happy ending." - Lisa Alter Mark

“I firmly believe you never should spend your time being a former anything.” Condoleezza Rice

"Be brave enough to be your true self." - Queen Latifah

"Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning." - Gloria Steinem

"When someone shows you who they are; believe them the first time." Maya Angelou

"The next road is always ahead." - Oprah Winfrey

"The world is not made up of atoms; it's made up of stories." - Muriel Rukeyser

"It is the ability to choose which makes us human." - Madeleine L'Engle

"The best teachers show you where to look; they don't tell you what to see." - A. K. Trenfor

"She was twice blessed. She was happy. She knew it." - Jan Struther

"We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our to-do list."- Michelle Obama

"Fear is borning." - Olympia Dukakis

"The cure for boredom is curiosity." - Dorothy Parker

"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere." - Belle in Beauty and the Beast

“Cherish forever what makes you unique, cuz you’re really a yawn if it goes.” - Bette Midler

"I get nervous if I don't get nervous. You just have to channel it into the show." - Beyonce'

"The way we do anything is the way we do everything." - Martha Beck

"I want to be a spy for hope." - Katherine Patterson

"Mistakes are doorways to discovery." - Sam Horn

"If you don't like my book, write your own." - Rita Mae Brown

"Every creative project needs a spine. What's yours?" - Twyla Tharp

"Blessedness is within us all." - Patti Smith

"Don't tell it like it is. Tell it like you want it to be." -Esther Hicks

"We must all make the choice between what is right and what is easy." - J.K.Rowland

"All I know is my life is better when I assume people are doing their best." - Brene Brown

"You become what you believe." - Oprah Winfrey

"Joy is a net by which you catch souls." - Mother Teresa

"People can't jump on your bandwagon if it's parked in the garage." - Sam Horn

"I don't think my story is over yet." - Serena Williams

"If you can laugh at it. You can live with it." - Erma Bomback

"The most courageous act is still to think for yourself." -Coco Chanel

"Anything is possible if you have the right people supporting you." - Misty Copeland

"Growth isn't pretty, but it can be beautiful." - Sonia Choquette

"You carry the passport to your own happiness." - Dianne von Furstenberg

"Keep your face to the sun and you cannot see the shadow." - Helen Keller

"We were made for these times." - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

"It's not selfish to put yourself in your own story; it's inspiring." - Sam Horn

You can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them.” - Shonda Rhimes

"It is a luxury to combine our passion with our contribution." - Sheryl Sandberg

“If there were a rehab for curiosity; I’d be in it.” – Diane Sawyer

"I believe life loves the lover of it." - Maya Angelou

"Don't let them tame you." Isadora Duncan

"Go on. Do your work. Do it well. It is all you can do." - Ursula LeGuin

"No one can figure out your worth but you." - Pearl S. Buck

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." -Nora Ephron

"Let me listen to me, and not to them." - Gertrude Stein

"Life expands or contracts in proportion to your courage." - Anais Nin

"Knowing what must be done does away with fear." - Rosa Parks

"The most important things in life aren't things." - Ann Landers

"I no longer accept what I can't change. I change what I can't accept." Angela Davis

"Dreams in your head help no one." - Sam Horn

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than you settled for.” Maureen Dowd

“What a wonderful life I’ve had. I only wish I’d realized it sooner.” – singer Colette

“Guard your good mood.” – Meryl Streep

“To do what you love and feel it matters; how can anything be more fun?” Katherine Graham

"My happiness depends on me, so you're off the hook." - Esther Hicks

“It’s never too late – in fiction or in life – to revise.” – Nancy Thayer

“The present we’re constructing should look like the future we’re dreaming.” Alice Walker

"Exhaustion is not a status symbol." - Brene Brown

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"I'm not the next Usain Bolt or Michael Phelps. I'm the first Simone Biles." - Simone Biles

- - -

Sam Horn, CEO of the Intrigue Agency, has helped thousands of clients create quality books, brands and presentations that scaled their impact - for good. Her TEDx talk and books Tongue Fu!, POP!, and Washington Post bestseller Got Your Attention? have been featured in New York Times and on NPR, and presented to YPO, Intel, NASA, Capital One, Nationwide. Want Sam to share her inspiring insights with your group? Contact Cheri@IntrigueAgency.com

Change for Good - At Any Age

"Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change."-Jim Rohn I remember asking a forty-something at a New Year's party, "What's your New Year's resolution?" He just shook his head and said, "I didn't make one. I just break them anyway. What's the point?"

“Wow,” I thought. “That’s like giving up hope.” I believe in hope and I believe we can change for good - at any age. One of the great blessings of being human and being alive is we can choose to do things differently any time we want.

Our history doesn’t need to predict our future unless we let it. Just because we’ve broken resolutions in the past, doesn’t mean we can’t honor them this time.

The secret is to believe it is possible. As Brene Brown says, "I will choose how the story ends." We can also choose how the story STARTS.

What will you change today to give yourself a FRESH START on life?

Long-time friend and Hall of Fame speaker Glenna Salsbury wrote an inspiring book on this subject entitled, “The Art of the Fresh Start.” The premise of Glenna’s book is that "most resolutions - no matter how well-intended - are doomed to fail for one often overlooked reason: they are incongruent with our dreams and values."

I think there's another reason our attempts to change often fail. We focus on what we don't want instead of on what we do.

My clarity around this was triggered by two emails our office received last week. The first said, “Please don’t hesitate to contact us if you have questions.”

The second said, in response to our request to change the day and time of an appointment, “I don’t think that will be a problem.”

Yikes. When we tell ourselves (and others) what NOT to do, we actually increase the likelihood the unwanted behavior will happen. For example, what do you think about when reading these phrases?

“I don’t like it when you interrupt me.” “You need to stop being late all the time.” "We can't afford to make mistakes in that meeting." "No need to get nervous before that presentation."

The words “don’t,” “stop” “won’t” and “not” are “ghost” words. Our mind doesn’t register them. When they’re paired with an unwanted behavior, “Don't worry,” or “I won't eat carbs" or "Stop hitting your sister” we pay attention to, produce, and perpetuate the very behavior we DON’T want.

That’s why, when that company rep said, “Don’t hesitate to call,” they introduced the word “hesitate” which means we’ll think twice before contacting them.

It’s better to say, “Please call if you have questions.” or "We look forward to hearing from you …”

For many people, the word problem means “something’s wrong.” Why give customers the impression something wrong if there isn’t? How about a more gracious, “That will work fine” or “Yes, he’s open at 4:30 and I’m happy to book that time.”

Words matter. It’s in our best interests to mindfully select words that focus on the DESIRED vs. the DREADED behavior because we get what we focus on.

This applies to what you want to change. Instead of using language that focuses on what you DON’T want; use words that state what you DO want. For example:

“I will stop sitting all day at work” becomes “I get up from my desk and take two ten minute walk breaks every day.”

"You need to stop interrupting people” becomes "Let people finish what they're saying."

“I don’t eat carbs” becomes “I love eating lean, green and protein.”

“I don't want to be nervous before that presentation" becomes "I welcome this speaking opportunity and will walk in with confidence."

Please note: switching the words we think/say transcends “semantics.” Choosing words that keep the desired behavior top of mind helps us - and others - change into being the quality of person we want to be.

To help achieve that, here are quotes on how we can change for good - starting now. You might want to print them out and post them where you see them everyday to keep them in-sight, in-mind so you keep them top-of-mind. Enjoy.

1. “Never say anything to yourself you don’t want to come true.” – Brian Tracy

2. "Life has no remote. You've got to get up and change it yourself." - Pinterest post

3. “If you’re brave enough to say good-bye, life will reward you with a new hello.” – Paulo Coelho”

4. “Look closely at the present you’re constructing. It should look like the future you’re dreaming.” – Alice Walker

5. “Everything that is done in the world is done by hope.” – Martin Luther

6. “There is only one day left, always starting over: it is given to us at dawn and taken away from us at dusk." - Jean-Paul Sartre

7. “Your future depends on many things, mostly on you.” – Frank Tyger

8. “You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.” – Mary Pickford

9. “Live out of your imagination, not your history.” – Stephen Covey

10. “Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone." - Pablo Picasso

11. “The only thing keeping you from what you want is the story you’re telling yourself about it.” – Tony Robbins

12. "And suddenly you know it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings." - Meister Ekhart

13. “Do you know the #1 precursor to change? A sense of urgency." - John Kotter

14. “Change before you have to." - Jack Welch

15. “You can’t start the chapter of a new life if you keep re-reading the last one.” Pinterest post

16. “May your choices be based on your hopes and not your fears.” Nelson Mandela

17. “Don’t tell it like it is, tell it like you want it to be.” – Esther Hicks

18. “To make progress, one must leave the door to the unknown ajar.” Richard Feynman

19. “The only danger is not to evolve." - Jeff Bezos

20. “How wonderful it is that no one need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." - Anne Frank

And a final quote from the incomparable Anne Lamott. It’s a long one and a good one. Wishing you a juicy year – and a juicy life.

“What if you wake up some day and you’re 65 or 75, and you never got your novel written; or you didn’t go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing you forgot to have a big juicy creative life of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It’s going to break your heart. Don’t let this happen.” - Anne Lamott

- - -

Sam Horn, CEO of the Intrigue Agency, is on a mission to help people create a quality life-work that adds value for all involved. Her TEDx talk and books Tongue Fu!, POP! and Washington Post bestseller Got Your Attention? have been featured in NY Times and presented to Capital One, National Geographic, Boeing, Intel, NASA and Accenture. Want Sam to share her inspiring keynote with your group? Contact Cheri@IntrigueAgency.com.

Are You Honoring Your Intuition?

“There is a voice that speaks without words. Listen.” – Rumi One day last year, I re-read the Year by the Water manifesto that was downloaded to me while driving along California’s Pacific Coast Highway. It reminded me that my original plan was to not plan every minute of every day. I vowed to do the “opposite of my always” and cooperate with what wanted to happen instead of control it.

I was in Tampa and was scheduled to take a train to Savannah where I was speaking in a few days. However, a little voice whispered in my ear, “You don’t have to take the train. There are no options on trains. If you see something intriguing, too bad, so sad. You can't get off and explore, you just whiz on by. Why not drive?”

I cancelled the train and started driving. Instead of planning the day and locking myself into a hotel reservation, I decided, "I'm going to make it up as I go along so I'm free to follow up on whatever catches my interest." Here's a replay of what happened.

I check the map to see what’s ahead. Wow. Marineland, the world’s first oceanarium and the first in the United States to offer a dolphin encounter, is 89 miles away in St. Augustine. I’ve always wanted to swim with dolphins. Here’s my chance. I call and ask, “Any openings for this afternoon?”

They do, which is how a couple hours later, I find myself swimming with Zach The Dolphin. What a thrill to get in the water, meet Zach face to face, stroke his rubbery skin and look him in the eye.

There’s only three of us in our group so our guide turns it into a mini-training session. She asks, “Would you like to give Zach a command?”

“Would I like to give Zach a command?!”

She tells me, “Point your finger to the sky.”

I do and Zach stands on his tail and zooms across the pool. He swims back for his reward, gulps it down in one swallow and waits, eyes bright, for what’s next.

The trainer says, “This time, circle your finger three times.”

I point my finger to the sky and twirl it three times. Zach nods, takes off, dives deep and then LEAPS out of the water into a triple back flip.

I can’t help myself. I thrust both arms up in an exultant Y (think Y-M-C-A.) I am filled with wonder, gratitude and excitement, all at the same time.

And to think, I didn’t even know Zach existed a few hours before! This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't honored my instincts and acted on that whim. What is a whim? It’s a “Sudden desire or change of mind, especially one that is unusual, unexplained.”

However I believe whims are more than a "sudden desire or change of mind." They may seem “out of the blue,” but I believe they happen for a reason - a good reason.

Here’s what I mean. I saw security consultant Gavin de Becker, author of The Gift of Fear, interviewed on TV. He told the reporter that debriefing people who had been assaulted revealed something profound. When he asked them, “Did you have any warning?” guess what they all said? “I knew something was wrong.”

Their gut had warned them they were in danger, but they let their intellect over-ride their instincts. They looked around and thought, “It’s broad daylight. I’m in an armored car. There's people around. I’m being silly.” They discounted their sixth sense.

I think many of us discount our sixth sense. We get these intuitive nudges, these alerts, but we ignore them. Or we get whims, but we’re too busy to follow up on them.

My epiphany was, “If we have instincts that alert us when something’s about to go wrong; don’t we also have instincts that alert us when something’s about to go right?”

If we have a sixth sense that alerts us to dissonance (something to avoid) don't we also have a sixth sense that alerts us to resonance (something to approach)?

I’ve come to believe that when something breaks through our filter and catches our attention – for better or for worse – we're supposed to pay attention. If our gut instincts tell us this situation is toxic, we're supposed to head the other direction. If our gut instincts tell us this is a congruent opportunity, we're supposed to head toward it.

Louis Pasteur said, “Chance favors the prepared mind.” In my experience, chance favors the aligned mind. If I get a whim that’s in alignment with my instincts and interests, I pursue it. Every time I do, I am delighted with a beneficial discovery I wouldn’t have experienced otherwise.

Whims aren’t an accident. They are not simply a coincidence, blind luck or serendipity. Beats-the-odds opportunities are a sign the universe is showing off. It is working overtime to connect you with someone or something that will enhance your life. Whims are your best future meeting you halfway.

Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “If prayer is you talking to God, intuition is God talking to you.”

Do you honor your instincts? Your sixth sense? Do you listen to the voice that doesn’t use words – or do you over-rule your intuition with your intellect, logic and rationale? Do you ignore whims or promise yourself you’ll follow up on them “later?”

That's a mistake. These aligned opportunities won’t be there later. They are a sublime confluence of you being in the right place at the right time, right here, right now.

Roald Dahl said, "Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."

From now on, honor your instincts, act on your whims. Understand your intuition is trying to do you a favor. It has your best interests at heart.

It is doing its half. All it asks is that you do your part to meet your best future halfway.

When you believe this and do this, magic shows up - and your life just keeps getting better and better and better.

- - -

Sam Horn, CEO of the Intrigue Agency, is on a mission to help people create a quality life-work that adds value for all involved. Her TEDx talk on INTRIGUE and books - POP!, Tongue Fu!, and Washington Post bestseller Got Your Attention? - have been featured in NY Times, Forbes, INC and presented to NASA, Intel, Cisco,YPO & EO. Like Sam to speak at your next conference? Contact Cheri@IntrigueAgency.com

Enduring Insights From Helen Keller

How inspiring it has been to make a pilgrimage to Helen Keller's brithplace, to sit and write on the very same bench where she sat and wrote, and to put my hand under the very same fountain/water pump where she put her hand and said her first word W.A.T.E.R. The docent, Shirley Hale Harrell, told me a very cool story. The day Helen said her first word was a result of a distant memory. She lost her sight and hearing when she was 19 months old, (physicians today speculate it was meningitis). When she was a toddler, she called water "wa wa."

When her teacher Annie Sullivan repeatedly tapped the letters W.A.T.E.R. in Helen's hand that day, she finally connected the dots and realized that the cool substance flowing over her hand was "wa-wa." She was so excited, she ran around the yard learning the names of thrity more things that day (and 600 more in the next six weeks.)

Accessing words opened up and expanded Helen's world. Her breakthrough - and newfound ability to communicate and connect - led to her learning to speak and write and eventually become a world-renowned spokesperson and advocate for those with disabilities.

I am here doing the final proof of my manuscript SOMEDAY is Not a Day in the Week - based on the adventures and insights from my Year by the Water. I'll be turning it into my publisher, St. Martin's Press tomorrow.

In it, I share stories and and surprising epiphanies from my travels. My hope is they resonate with people and inspire them to love their life and focus on what will matter in the long run ... now, not someday.

As I tourned Helen Keller's museum and read the many quotes which graced its walls, I was reminded of the enduring power of words to help us make sublime sense of the world.

Please look at these eternally wise insights from Helen Kellen, some written more than a hundred years ago. Take a moment to appreciate and imprint them. Marvel at the power of language to transmit ideas, images and ideals that infuence us - for good.

You might want to print a favorite and post it so you'll see it every day to keep that concept in-sight,in mind so it acts as a moral compass.

Words matter. They have the ability to lift our spirits and center us in our resolve to be a better person. Read 'em and reap.

“No one has a right to consume happiness without producing it.”

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.”

“When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we don’t see the one that has opened for us.”

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.”

“Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.”

“Life is either a great adventure or nothing.”

“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.”

“Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy shall form an invincible host against difficulties.”

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.”

“The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.”

Here's to having sight and vision, to really SEEING the world as the blessing it is so we're more grateful for the gift of each and every day.

- - -

Sam Horn, CEO of Intrigue Agency & TEDx speaker, is on a mission to help people create a life-work that adds value for all involved. Her books have been featured on NPR and in Fast Company, Forbes, New York Times and presented to Nationwide, Boeing, Capital One, NASA. Want Sam to share her inspiring message with your group? Contact Cheri@IntrigueAgency.com

We're Never Too OLD for NEW Dreams

Many people I interviewed during my Year by the Water told me, rather wistfully, that they hoped, planned, dreamed of doing something similar … someday. When I asked why they weren’t doing it now, they gave a lot of reasons including that they felt they were "too old" and had "missed their chance."

Too old? Missed their chance?

I shared my belief that we’re never too old – or too young - to make our dreams come true. Several people were skeptical so I shared two of my favorite stories:

I was in Aptos, CA wrapping up my SOMEDAY is Not a Day in the Week manuscript to turn in to my publisher St. Martin’s Press.

After a couple of rainy days, the sun came out which meant it was time to get up, get outside, and get moving.

I was walking through Seacliff State Park when two women popped out of their RV and asked me to take a picture of them. “Sure,” I said with a smile, “if you tell me your story.”

Which is how I learned that Sheila had told her friend yesterday, “It’s time to take a break.” June resisted but Sheila persisted. She was even wearing a sweatshirt that said, “Nevertheless, she persisted.”

They hitched up their trailer, told their families they’d be back in a couple days, and drove from their home in central California, a couple hours away.

I asked, “What gave you such clarity about not waiting for someday to do what was calling you?”

Sheila said, “I’m an insurance agent. One of my older clients retired last year and bought the huge, fancy Winnebago of his dreams. He drove it to my office to show it to me and to add it to his account. I watched out the window as it took him about twenty minutes to park the darn thing and get out of it. He’s in his late sixties and doesn’t move very well anymore.

He came in, slammed the door, slumped down in a chair and said, ‘I waited too damn long, and now I’m too old to enjoy it.’” She shook her head and said, “‘I’ll never forget that.”

June chimed in, “We’ve taken our kids everywhere - Hawaii, Disneyland, the Grand Canyon. We want to make memories with our kids before they don’t want to spend time with us.”

I asked if I could share their story because they’re such inspiring examples of why NOT to wait until later to do what’s important to us. Later may be too late.

You may be thinking, “I agree with this in theory, but you don’t understand my circumstances.”

You’re right, I don’t. Here’s what I suggest though. Next time you see an arts and crafts show in your area, GO.

Why? They are full of “real-life” people who are walking-talking proof that we're never too old to make our dream come true. Here’s what I mean.

I was traveling through the South. I checked into my hotel on the Savannah Harbor, discovered the Springtime Craft Show was being held at the convention center next door, and went to check it out.

My first stop was at the booth of Toffee to Go. Lisa Schalk, former stay-at-home mom, told me that several years before, she had cooked up home-made white chocolate/macadamia nut toffee to give as Christmas presents to friends and family. They loved her innovative flavors and begged her to make more. She started going to weekend arts/crafts fairs where her toffee kept selling out. She told her husband Jim, a hospitality executive, “I think we’ve really got something here.”

He told me, “I thought people were just being ‘nice,’ until I went with her one weekend and witnessed for myself everyone’s enthusiastic response. People had driven from hours away to buy her toffee in person. We bet on ourselves. I quit my job and we went all in, full-time.”

Fast forward. They just bought a 16,000 foot warehouse, were featured in O’s Christmas issue, and have corporate clients around the country. “People tell us, ‘Oh, you’re so lucky Oprah’s Favorite Things found you.” She smiled, “Luck is a lot of 2 a.m. nights, but it’s worth it.”

I discovered the “Pretty Darn Good Salsa” couple in the next aisle. They created their own special blend with beans, corn, cilantro and secret ingredients for a Super Bowl party. Everyone loved it. They started making bigger batches. After retiring (he was a school teacher for decades), they now hit the road every weekend. He says, “It may be 8 degrees back home, but we know we’ll be in Florida that weekend, visiting our daughter, meeting all kinds of interesting people and hearing their stories, while paying for our retirement. It's the best of all worlds.”

Next I was drawn to a booth featuring wearable art. The proprietor Lynn Shore, told me, “My grandmother, who had the patience of Job, taught me to knit when I was eight. I started hand-crafting gifts for friends and realized, “This isn’t just a hobby; it’s a business.”

When I asked, “What do you like best about these festivals?” Lynn thought about it and then gave a profound answer, “I am inspired by the creativity of humanity. It is a blessing to be here.”

What is the moral of these stories? None of these business owners studied these careers at college. None of them could have predicted they would turn their passion into a profitable and meaningful profession. However, all of them are grateful to have “encore careers” where they’re doing work they love that puts the light on in their eyes and puts money in their bank account.

John Barrymore said, “A man does not become old until regrets take the place of dreams.”

Please don’t let take regrets take the place of your dreams. Please don’t wait until it’s too late.

Get clear on your dream. Ask yourself, “What could add meaning to my life? What am I good at, what do I love to do, that people would pay for? How could I turn my purpose and passion into a profitable profession? How could I craft - or cook up - an encore career where I have the best of all worlds?"

Then get creative and set it in motion today … not someday.

- - -

Sam Horn - CEO of the Intrigue Agency and TEDx speaker - is on a mission to help people create a quality life-work that adds value for all involved. Her work has been featured in NY Times and taught to NASA, Intel, Boeing, Accenture. Want Sam to share her keynote with your group? Contact Cheri@intrigueAgency.com

Want more ways to turn your passion into your profession? Check out Sam's book IDEApreneur.

What If We're Here to Connect the Dots?

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. You have to trust the dots will somehow connect in your future.” – Steve Jobs Steve Jobs was brilliant. And I disagree with him on this.

I think we can connect the dots looking forward and backwards.

And we can do more than trust the dots to connect in the future.

We can act on dots to create a better future – for ourselves and for others.

Here’s what I mean.

We’re being sent dots all the time.

Dots are experiences, opportunities, ideas and individuals.

Our role is to pay attention to them and look for patterns.

We’re supposed to collect the dots, connect the dots, and act on the dots.

When we do, pictures emerge. Pictures that make sense.

Remember those “Connect the Dots” coloring books we had growing up?

Each page had a random collection of numbered dots. The goal was to connect them. When we did, a picture emerged. Voila! It’s a cat. It’s a cloud. It’s a car.

I think the same thing happens in our life when we connect “dot thoughts.” A picture emerges that wasn’t clear before, that all of a sudden makes sublime sense.

For example, two years ago, Inga Canfield introduced me to a writing colleague Kristen Moeller.

Kristen found out I was visiting Boulder asked if I knew Erin Weed, who runs a speaker training company called Evoso. I didn’t so Kristen introduced us.

Erin and I had a delightful connection and have stayed friends. Last month, she got in touch with a question.

When I emailed Erin back, on impulse, I added a sentence saying, “I’ll be back in Boulder this summer. Know anyone who’s looking to rent near Wonderland Lake Park?”

Erin got back five minutes later to say a good friend – a fellow speaker/author – had a place near Wonderland Lake Park and was looking for a tenant.

What are the odds, right?

I immediately followed up (dots have a window of opportunity, we’re supposed to act on them in the moment as soon as they come to our attention) and connected me with her friend, Debra.

Debra Silverman and I hit it off. Now I’ve got a wonderful new friend (and simpatico professional colleague) and a marvelous place to stay this summer, right where I hoped to be.

You can’t make this stuff up.

You can only pay attention to the dots and honor them when they show up.

In particular,“dot thoughts” that come to us out of the blue. As in, “Add a sentence to the end of your email asking Erin if she has a rental referral.”

We’re supposed to act on “dot thoughts” even if they don’t make sense. Especially if they don’t make sense.

Because “dot thoughts” aren't coming from logic, they’re coming from a sixth sense.

You can call these “dot thoughts” anything you want. Providence. God. The Universe. Divine inspiration. Gut instincts. Angels. God winks. Nudges.

I think they are our best future meeting us halfway.

One of the most important lessons learned form my Year by the Water is that when we honor and act on dot thoughts, kismet shows up.

Or what I like to call SerenDestiny.

SerenDestiny is a charmed life where the light is on in our eyes because we’re connected with congruent individuals and activities.

I have a theory about this.

We’re not in this alone.

It’s hubris to think we’re the only ones creating and/or controlling our destiny.

Here’s what crystallized my clarity about this.

I was watching a TV interview with security consultant Gavin deBecker, author of The Gift of Fear.

Gavin told the reporter that he makes it a practice to debrief people who have been assaulted, hijacked or kidnapped.

His first question to them is, “Did you have any warning?”

Guess what they all say? “I knew something was wrong.”

But the vast majority allowed their intellect to over-ride their instincts.

They didn’t see anything “wrong” so they dismissed their fears.

They thought, “It’s broad daylight. There’s no one around” or “I’m in an armored car with bodyguards. What could happen?” and over-ruled the sixth sense that was trying to protect them.

As he described these instincts that warn us when something’s about to go wrong, I thought, “Doesn’t it also make sense that we have instincts that warn us when something’s about to go right?

If we have a sixth sense that alerts us to dissonance, don’t we also have a sixth sense that alerts us to resonance and congruence?”

I believe our instincts and intuition have our best interests at heart.

Just as they alert us to individuals, ideas, and activities that are “wrong” for us, they also alert us to individuals, ideas and activities that are “right” for us.

When we honor our resonant sixth sense alerts, we are led to congruent people and opportunities we would not have met or experienced otherwise.

So, what’s the point?

If you want a life that transcends what you think it can be, what you can logically make it to be, start looking for congruent dots, start acting on resonant dots.

When you act on “dot thoughts” that nudge you to connect with this person, write out this idea, act on this opportunity, seek out this experience, a picture will emerge.

A picture of a charmed life that is better than you could have thought up yourself.

A life of SerenDestiny where you’re connecting with congruent individuals, experiences and opportunities that create a life that just keeps getting better and better.

Because you’re not doing this alone. You’re dancing with life.

So, yes, Steve, we can connect dots looking backwards and forward.

I met Inga, who connected me with Kristen, who connected me with Erin, who connected me with Debra, who connected me with this divine new home. I am grateful for those dots.

Now it’s time to do my turn. To connect those dots looking forward. To do my half to thank the other half.

I can do that by initiating and introducing dots to others.

By sending dots - opportunities, ideas, individuals and experiences - to other people so they can create a future that’s better than they could have imagined.

Collecting, connecting and contributing dots creates a rising tide raising all involved.

It’s a way to do our part and to become a part of a congruent circle of life.

And yes, we can do this in our personal life and in our professional life.

In our personal life, instead of waiting for opportunities to come to us, we can initiate interactions with simpatico individuals and align with opportunities that will create a better quality of life for all involved.

In our professional life, instead of being passive, we can proactively envision and initiate connections with and for clients and colleagues.

Starting today, keep your antenna up. Look around. What dots are trying to get your attention? How will you honor and act on them to set your SerenDestiny in motion?

How will you honor what is being contributed to you - and gift it back by creating and contributing dots to others?

Too Busy to be Happy?

Did you know a Harris Poll reports only 31% of Americans say they’re happy? An exhausted business owner told me yesterday, "I'm too busy to be happy."

I told him, "Please rethink that. Happiness doesn't take TIME, it takes ATTENTION."

How about you? Would you say you’re happy?

I've discovered something surprising - and saddening - in my interviews with hundreds of people in the last few years for my upcoming book SOMEDAY is Not a Day in the Week.

Many people feel they have too much going on to be happy. They have too many responsibilities, too many to-do's. They just don’t have the time.

That entrepreneur told me, “My wife and I work full-time in our business and we have two kids with special needs. We go non-stop seven days a week. Maybe someday I’ll be happy. I don’t see that in the near future.”

Ouch.

What I’ve learned is that whether or not you describe yourself as “happy” depends a lot on how you define it. (More on that here.)

It also depends on whether you feel you have time for it.

Please understand, happiness doesn’t have to be “happy, happy, joy, joy" like that Peanuts cartoon image of Snoopy leaping in the air, clicking his heels (paws?) and doing a happy dance. It can mean:

* feeling peaceful, content, satisfied.

* being present and quietly grateful to be alive.

* looking at the person you’re with – or the people you’re around – and being really glad to have them in your life.

* getting up from your chair, going outside for a moment and reveling in your health and freedom of movement.

* connecting with an idea, song or painting and marveling at humanity’s artistry.

In other words, happiness doesn’t take time, it takes attention.

When I asked that young dad whether he kept a gratitude journal (which a Harvard study shows is a shortcut to happiness), he said “You don’t get it. Our sons wake up several times a night. We never get more than five hours of sleep and we’re going from the moment we get up to the moment we go to bed. Who’s got time??”

I nodded, “I understand that adding anything to your maxed-out life isn’t an option. What if, instead of counting your blessings, you started noticing them? The first one takes time, the second one doesn’t.”

He told me, “It’s worth a try.”

Agreed. Happiness is worth a try.

Is your life maxed out? Are you going from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed? Do you tell yourself you’ll be happy someday when you’re not so busy?

Please understand, you don’t need more time to be happy.

You’ll never have more time than you have right now.

Stop wishing you had more time and start paying more attention.

The happiness you seek is available any time you want … for a moment’s notice.

You can be happier and more grateful right here, right now at a moment’s notice and in a moment’s notice.

All you need to do is to be more alert to, and appreciative of, what’s right with your world instead of what’s wrong.

You don’t even have to COUNT your blessings. All you have to do is NOTICE them.

- - -

Sam Horn, CEO of the Intrigue Agency and TEDx speaker, - is on a mission to help people create a quality life-work that adds value for all involved. Her books - Tongue Fu! POP! and Washington Post bestseller Got Your Attention? - have been featured in NY Times, Forbes and on NPR and taught to Boeing, Intel, ASAE, Cisco, Accenture, NASA. Want Sam to speak to your group? Contact Cheri@intrigueAgency.com

Are You Taking Yourself Out of Your Own Story?

One reason I'm calling my new book SOMEDAY is not a Day in the Week is because it’s sad to see how many people are working themselves to death, thinking they'll relax and enjoy themselves when things aren't so crazy at work. I’m not making that up. A 2015 Atlantic article reports that job-related stress is the #5 killer in the U.S, causing more deaths than Alzheimer’s and diabetes.

People promise to take better care of themselves when they're not so busy. What if that day never comes?

While on my Year by the Water, I had a crucible moment that demonstrated (rather dramatically) the consequences of putting everyone else first. Hope this story motivates you to put yourself back in your own story and do something this week that brings you joy.

My plan for the day was to drive California’s Pacific Coast Highway from Monterey to Morro Bay. However, work responsibilities came up that morning, so it was late afternoon before I hit the road. I didn’t think much about it until the sun went down and it got dark. And when I say dark, I mean no moon. no light.

If you've taken this spectacular drive, you know about its many hairpin turns. In the day, you can see what’s ahead and adapt accordingly. But it was pitch black which meant I couldn’t see beyond my headlights. I completely lost my equilibrium because I had no idea what was coming up next.

What made it worse was the road often narrowed to one lane because of construction to fix damage caused by recent landslides. The only thing between me and a thousand foot drop down to the rocks below was a rather flimsy looking guardrail.

A truck zoomed up behind me and flashed its brights. I did what I always did, what I’d been taught to do growing up in a small mountain valley. I looked for the next pull-out and pulled over to let the driver behind me go by.

The only problem? The pull-out was gravel. And shorter than anticipated. I braked and started sliding. I finally came to a stop a couple feet from the cliff’s edge.

I sat there and shook. The truck was long gone. It was just me, the road, and my realization that my default of putting others first had just about cost me my life.

Does any of this sound familiar? That was a rather extreme example of "selflessness," but on some level, is your default to put others’ needs before your own? At what cost?

If you’re a business owner, executive, parent or team leader, this may have become your norm.

Somewhere along the way, was it modeled for you that the meaning of life is to be found in service? There are hundreds of quotes perpetuating this belief that serving others is the right thing, the noble thing, to do.

For example, Gandhi said, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”

Yet serving others at the cost of ourselves is an extreme … and any extreme is unhealthy.

Self-sacrifice comes at a price. We lose our equilibrium and end up compromising our health and happiness. What's worse is that when we habitually take ourselves out of our own story, we teach the people around us we don’t matter, that what we want and need doesn’t count.

Is that what we want to teach? Is martyrdom the model we want to pass along?

A college counselor told me, “Sam, I don’t have kids, but I do have students. Many are away from home for the first time. They’re lonely, confused and overwhelmed. My heart goes out to them, so I’ve given some my home phone number so they can call if they’re having a tough time. Good idea in theory, not so good in practice. I spend many evenings on the phone mitigating one crisis afterhonoring another. My husband is starting to resent this and I can’t blame him. Plus, I’m getting burned out because I never get a chance to recharge.”

I told her, “Good for you for being there for your students. The question is, are you also being there for yourself? Think about the Law of Unintended Consequences. What we accept, we teach. What are you teaching by not honoring your health and by not having any boundaries around your time and access?”

“But I feel so sorry for these kids. They all have a story.”

“I understand. However, you’re thinking only of their story and not your own. Where are you in this story?”

“But I can’t just cut them off and turn my back on them.”

“I’m not suggesting you be selfish and think only of yourself. I'm suggesting you serve others and yourself. Create some boundaries with metrics. If your boundaries don’t have numbers in them, they’re not boundaries. Instead of being available to your students every single night, what is a fairer balance?”

Suffice it to say, we created a written policy around her “evening office hours” that she posted and handed to her students. They still have an option to contact her in case of an emergency, otherwise there's a step-by-step process for how they can schedue time with her on campus.

She contacted me later to say our conversation, and her new policy, taught her a valuable lesson. “I never realized how much I was devaluing myself by focusing exclusively on my students’ needs. I see now that my compassion for them was at the cost of compassion for myself. My husband thanks you, I thank you." She laughed, "Someday, my students may even thank you for having someone model for them that it’s not selfish to put ourselves in our own story, it’s smart.”

How about you? Are you running on empty? Burnout is a clear sign we’re not enforcing our boundaries. It’s a clear sign we are people-pleasing and putting everyone else first – and ourselves last.

The good news is, it’s not too late to change this default.

Next time you’re about to say yes when you want to say no – next time you’re about to give in and go along instead of speaking up for what’s important to you – next time you're about to compromise your health or safety with "No, you go ahead. You go first" .... STOP!

You matter. What you want and need counts. You can be responsible to others and to yourself. You can serve others and yourself.

Put yourself back in your own story. It’s not selfish. It’s smart.

Is Work Running Your Life?

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” – Bertrand Russell Are you overwhelemed and overworked? Burning the candle on both ends?

Several years ago, I had breakfast with Dr. Ivan Misner and his wife Beth. Ivan founded BNI, one of the world’s largest networking organizations. His wife Beth is author of Healing Begins in the Kitchen.

While getting caught up, I told them about all the different business activities I had going on.

Ivan said, “Sam, sounds like a full calendar. What do you do for fun?”

I told him, “I agree with Katherine Graham of the Washington Post. She said, ‘To do what you love and feel that it matters; how could anything be more fun?’ The only thing that could be more fun is to do work we love, feel it matters and do it with people we enjoy and trust. That’s what I get to do.”

He paused and then said, “Sam, I think you’re dodging the question. What do you do just for fun?”

Long pause. I finally came up with, “Hmmm, well, I walk my dog around the lake.”

He just looked at me. He didn’t even have to say anything. Even then I knew that was a pathetic answer.

I’m not alone with being too busy to have fun.

An excellent 2014 Time.com article by Eric Barker reported that in surveys, people say they’re “too busy to make friends outside the office, too busy to date, sleep, have lunch, even too busy to have sex.”

Why are we doing this to ourselves? Why are we letting work run our life?

Why, when someone asks, “How are you doing?” is the first word out of our mouth often ... “Busy.”

Is it because we need to feel productive, important, useful?

Probably all of that.

But there’s something else going on.

Some of us are afraid to have fun.

It seems frivolous. Indulgent. Like we don’t have anything “better” to do with our time.

Somewhere along the line we got the message that fun is something we do only when our work is done.

Since, for many of us, our work is never done, that leaves no time for fun.

Some people call this the Puritan or Protestant Work Ethic.

Dr. David Burns defines this as the belief that “My worth as a human being is proportional to what I have achieved in my life.’ That may sound innocent, but it is ultimately counterproductive and toxic because it means our work ethic determines whether we feel we’ve earned personal worth and the right to be happy.

Sound like anyone you know?

All I know is that the conscious or subconscious belief that “Work is the holy grail and the secret sauce to success" is having a devastating impact on our health, relationships and quality of life.

That is not just my opinion.

Study after study shows the devastating impact of working longer hours, taking work home with us, of being so consumed with our job that “52% of us don’t take our full paid vacation.”

I’m not making that up. That’s a confirmed statistic reported by CNBC.

The author of that Time.com article, Eric Barker, interviewed many psychologists who told him their burned-out clients can’t shake the notion that the ‘busier they are, the more they’re thought of as competent, smart, successful, admired, even envied.’”

The toll of that kind of thinking?

Dr. Ed Hallowell, former Harvard University Professor and author of Driven to Distraction, says he’s witnessed an upsurge of the number of people who complain of being chronically inattentive, disorganized and overbooked. Many come to him wondering if they have ADD. He says, "While some do, most do not. Instead, they have what I called a severe case of modern life.”

What I know personally is that back then, (before I launched my Year by the Water), I didn’t have any time, energy or bandwidth left over for friends, hobbies and sports.

The answer to this?

Free up time for fun.

Play dates aren’t just for kids.

Figure out what puts the light on in your eyes and bring it back into your life.

Get crystal clear about what makes you happy, what helps you laugh and love life, and schedule it on your calendar.

To help you do that - because it may mean overcoming years of habitual workoholism - I’ve curated my favorite quotes about the importance of freeing up time for fun.

You might want to print these out and post them where you’ll see them every day.

Next time you’re about to postpone that family vacation or date night because you’re overloaded with “work,” ask yourself, "What is most important to me? What will matter in the long run?"

Next time you’re about to cancel a walk in a park, a hike in Nature, playing a sport, engaging in a hobby or spending time with friends because you’re “too busy,” look at these quotes and honor that play date.

Remember the saying from years ago, “No one on their deathbed ever said, ‘I wish I’d spent more time at work?’”

Keep that in mind next time you’re about to choose your job over joy. Remember what the Buddha said, "The thing is, we think we have time." Spend your valuable time on what will make you feel most alive.

Have you overcome a compulsion to be busy? Have you created a better balance between work and play? Plese share your experience. I know I'd love to hear it and so would others. Who knows? Your insights may be the right words at the right time for someone to get clarity about this important issue.

Quotes to Remember that Fun isn’t Frivolous, It’s the Secret Sauce to Health and Happiness

1. “Never underestimate the importance of having fun. I am going to have fun every day I have left. You have to decide whether you’re a Tigger and or Eyore.” –Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

2. “Work without love is slavery.” – Mother Teresa

3. “Of all the things that truly matter, getting more things done is not one of them.” – Mike Dooley

4. “This is the real secret of life – to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play.” – Alan Watts

5. “At the end of the day, if I can say I had fun, it was a good day.” – Simone Biles

6. “Laughter is the closest distance between two people.” – Victor Hugo

7. “If you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to be different yourself.” – Norman Vincent Peale

8. “Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul.” – John Muir

9. “Finding your passion isn’t just about careers and money. It’s about finding your authentic self. The one buried under everyone’s else’s needs.” – Kristin Hannah

10. “Fun is one of the most underrated ingredients in any successful venture. If you’re not having fun, it’s probably time to call it quits and try something else.” – Richard Branson

11. “Success is not about obtaining money or stuff. It is absolutely about the amount of joy you feel.” – Esther Hicks

12. “We don’t stop playing because we get old. We get old because we stop playing.” – George Bernard Shaw

13. “The truth is, existence wants your life to be a festival.” – Osho

14. “If you can laugh at it, you can live with it.” – Erma Bombeck

15. “In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you.”- Leo Tolstoy

Someday is the Busiest Day of the Week

"On the last day of the world, I would want to plant a tree." - W. S. Merwin Do you keep promising yourself that someday you'll make time for your creative project or something you really care about?

Please understand there will never be a right time and you'll never have more time than you have right now.

Someday is the busiest day of the week.

You might want to follow Poet W.S. Merwin's example and get serious about your passion project instead of frittering away time and talent on lesser priorities.

As Executive Director of the Maui Writers Conference, I had an opportunity to interview Merwin at our very first Presenters Reception. On a full moon night, under the palm trees on a Kapalua beach, I asked him, "What is one of the most important lessons-learned from your career?”

I'm paraphrasing here because I did not write down what he said (that’ll teach me) however the gist of his remarks was choosing to concentrate on his craft was the best decision he ever made on behalf of his career.

As the winner of a Pulitzer Prize, Merwin received dozens of invitations every week. He realized it would be oh-so easy to become part of the “glitterati” and that his work would suffer if he said yes to every request. He and his wife Paula were clear that continuing to live in NYC would mean they would continue to be surrounded by temptations that would pull him away from the work he was born to do. So, they moved to Maui to live a simpler life where he was freer to concentrate on his true priorities.

I thought, "There’s a man who knows what is important to him."

I’ve come to believe this is one of the biggest challenges we face as creatives. We are constantly torn between craft and commerce - between making art and making a living.

I've also come to understand that our environment either helps us or hurts us. If we are surrounded by distractions and demands, our dream projects may never get out the door. It is up to us to take charge of our circumstances so that, like W.S. Merwin, we can concentrate on what will matter in the long run.

Are you taking your creative contribution seriously? if you believe your work will add value, it's up to you to devote yourself to it instead of allowing yourself to waste time on lesser activities that, at the end of the day, won’t contribute to the greater good.

You may be thinking, “I agree with this in theory, but it’s tough to do in practice.”

Agreed. Which is it is so important to establish clear boundaries on what you will and won't focus on. Here are a few best-practice tips on how to do that (culled from my ConZentrate and IDEApreneur books). Hope they help you stay finish your projects and get them out in the world where they can make a positive difference for others and a prosperous living for you.

1. REDUCE time online. Many writers admit they are addicted to their digital devices. To what purpose? How much time do you spend online every day? When you look back at the end of your life, will those thousands of hours have made an enduring difference? Commit right now to policies with metrics. For example, vow to check email and social media only AFTER you finish writing instead of all day, every day. A study by MIT reveals we check our phone 140+ times a day. What a misuse of time that could and should be spent on completing higher-priority work that will have positive impact.

2. Wake and Work. Wake and Work means exactly what you think it means. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. Get up, grab your cup of coffee or tea, sit down and apply what Power of One author Bryce Courtenay called, "Bum glue." Tackle other tasks only after you have produced something tangible (two pages?) to show for your efforts. The Psychology of Complettion says we get a thrill of achievement and a boost in self esteem every time we finish something. And, as you know, "rewarded behavior gets repeated." So, if every time you sit down to write, you complete two new pages, you set up flow and forward momentum and feel you're making progress. This feeling of accomplishment will make you eager to come back and pick up where you left off.

3. Find your Third Place. The science of Ergonomics (the study of how our environment influences our effectiveness) says your home is your First Place and your office is your Second Place. If you work on your creative project at your home/office, that’s your First and Second Place.

Ergonomic experts say it’s almost impossible to stay focused on creative projects in your First and Second Place because your environment keeps reminding you of the laundry, bills, client work or household chores you customarily do in that space.

Your Third Place (a nearby coffee shop? local library?) is a public place where you can work in private. Working there kick-starts creativity because it 1) it socializes your work process but without the downside of being constantly interrupted by people asking you to cook dinner or find their backpack. 2) Instead of stalling because you're operating in isolation, you get to piggy-back off the energy of people in the room.

3) Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? If working on your dream project is the only thing you do in your Third Place, it sets up a repeat ritual where the faucet of flow opens up every time you walk in because THAT's what's associated with that environment. Many clients tell me their Third Place is their saving grace. It is the only time and space where they can escape their job/family responsibilities and make their creative priority their top priority.

4. Reduce accessibility. Are people constantly asking to pick your brain? Do you find it difficult to say no when someone begs for your advice, support, time, mind or dime?

Mark off time on your calendar where you devote yourself to your creative project. Set aside certain days (every Tuesday?) where you are available for public appointments and activities. And, instead of letting someone buying you lunch or a cup of coffee, go for a walk/talk so at least you're outside getting fit.

You may worry you will offend people by taking yourself off the grid. You might want to ask yourself, “Am I supporting everyone else’s priorities at the cost of my own?”

it is our responsibility to think big and to think long on our behalf of our dreams.

What is the long-term cost of being available to others 24/7? I am not suggesting we become a recluse. W.S. Merwin isn’t a hermit; he is simply selective about how often he is accessible. He balances public requests with his dedication to his legacy work, which keeps the light on in his eyes and keeps him contributing at his highest level.

How about you? How will you hold yourself accountable for focusing on what will matter in the long run ... now, not later?

Joseph Campbell said, "The big question is whether you are going to say a hearty yes to your adventure."

Remember, someday is not a day in the week. How will you say YES to your adventure? How will you NOT wait to the last day of the world to plant your tree?

- - -

Sam Horn is on a mission to help clients create a quality life-work that adds value for all involved. Her books - including POP!, Tongue Fu, IDEApreneur! and Washington Post bestseller Got Your Attention? - have been featured in New York Times, Forbes, INC and on NPR and presented to NASA, Boeing, Capital One and National Geographic. Want Sam to speak to your group? Contact Cheri@intrigueAgency.com.

What Does Happiness Mean to You?

When I ask, “What does happiness means to you?” I often get long pauses or blank looks. If we can’t define happiness, how are we supposed to know it when we experience it?

I attended a convention that featured a session on “The History of Happiness” presented by a professor who had written a book on the topic. He spent most of his sixty minutes quoting ancient philosophers like Aristotle and Plato. He left time for one question.

The gentleman next to me raised his hand and said, “What’s your definition of happiness?”

Dear in headlights. The professor stumbled and mumbled and finally confessed he didn’t have one. There was an almost audible gasp from the audience at this surprising revelation.

The gentleman next to me wasn’t about to let him off the hook. He said, “You’ve studied this topic for twenty years. Surely you have your own definition.”

The professor realized he wasn’t going to dodge the question and admitted, “Well, if I have to give a definition, I guess I’d agree with Stendahl, “To describe happiness is to diminish it.’

That was it. End of session.

Wow. I turned to the man next to me and said, “I so disagree with that. I think defining and describing happiness helps us be more alert to it and appreciative of it.”

He nodded in agreement. I asked, “When was the last time you were happy?”

He thought about it for a moment and then smiled. “My daughter called last week from her hospital to ask for my advice. She is a physician who has gone into my specialty of internal medicine. She had a patient on his death bed and they hadn’t been able to diagnose what was wrong. I asked her to list all his symptoms. I got a hunch based on what she told me and asked if they’d tested for a rather rare disorder. They hadn’t. She called back to say the hunch was right. They’d started treatment and it looked like they’d caught it in time and he’d recover.”

I told him, “That’s happiness. To have an adult child who respects you enough to go into your profession, who seeks your advice, which saves a life, and for you two to get to share that?”

“You’re right. It was satisfying on many levels.”

I persisted, “So, how would you define happiness?”

“I guess I’d define it as being able to share meaningful activities with the people I love.”

“Anything else?”

“Hmmm. Yes, being healthy, and helping others to be healthy, goes into the mix.”

“Put that together - being healthy, helping others be healthy, being loved and sharing meaningful activities with the people we love – that’s a pretty good definition of happiness right there.”

How about you? When was the last time you were happy? What did it look like and feel like to be happy? The clearer you are about defining and describing what happiness means to you – the more alert to it and appreciative of it, you’ll be.

I’m collecting definitions of happiness for SOMEDAY is Not a Day in the Week and hope to include yours. Being happy means different things to different people, and my goal is to share different perspectives to facilitate a comprehensive , well-rounded discussion of this topic.

Will you please take a moment to share your (under 50 word) definition of happiness here?

Here are inspiring quotes to kick-start your thinking. You may see an ingredient that deeply resonates with you and you can include it in your description.

Once you’ve crafted that definition, post it where you’ll see it every day. Keeping it in sight, in mind will keep it top-of-mind which will help you be more aware of when you’re happy. Being conscious of our happiness is the key to experiencing it more deeply and appreciatively. Here are those quotes. Read ‘em and reap.

1. “There is only one happiness in this life: to love and be loved.” – George Sand

2. “A happy person experiences frequent positive emotions (e.g., joy, compassion) and infrequent - thought not absent - negative emotions (e.g., sadness, anger, anxiety).” – Sonya Lyubomirsky

3. "My happiness depends on me, so you're off the hook." Esther Hicks

4. “Happiness is not ready made. It comes from your own actions.” – Dalai Lama

5. "A smile is happiness found right under your nose.” – Ziggy (David Wilson)

6. “The secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in the little details of daily life.” Wm Morris

7. “Folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abraham Lincoln

8. “Someone once asked me what I regarded as the three most important requirements for happiness. My answer was: A feeling you have been honest with yourself and those around you, a feeling you have done the best you could in your personal life and in your work, and the ability to love others.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

9. “Happiness is a state of well-being and contentment.” – Webster’s Dictionary

10. “I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness – it’s right in front of me if I pay attention and practice gratitude.” – Brene Brown

My definition of happiness? “Making a positive difference for as many people as possible, while enjoying healthy, creative, connected relationships with family, friends and Nature.”

By the way, I agree with all the above definitions, in particular that we must make up our mind to be happy - and that paying attention to and being grateful for what’s right in our world - is the key to doing that.

I look forward to seeing your definition. And thanks for sharing this with others, so we can collect definitions from around the world and create a global resource of what it means to be happy.

I Am a Woman. What's Your SuperPower?

Did you know International Women's Day is today, March 8th? Who is a woman you will you reach out to today to say "Thank you" for your support, wisdom, advice, encouragement, leadHership, mentoring?

How will you celebrate this day in your organization?

You are welcome to use this article at a staff meeting as a conversation-starter for how women have made a positive difference for you - and how they can give and get the recognition and respect they want, need and deserve on and off the job.

I was speaking for a Silicon Valley company and interviewed one of their executives to get his input on what I could cover to make our LeadHership workshop maximally useful. He shared a story about how, in his opinion, some women don't help themselves when it comes to career advancement.

I asked, “What do you mean?”

He said, “Last year, we opened an office in Paris. A woman in my department had lived in France as a foreign exchange student, speaks fluent French and is still in touch with her host family. I thought she'd make an excellent addition to our team there so I recommended her when we discussed possible staff selections.

The other executives at the table just looked at me with puzzled expressions. No one knew who I was talking about. I went to bat for her and tried to explain why I thought she could help us ramp up this new location.

One of my colleagues finally recognized her name. He said, “Okay, I know who you’re talking about now. She sits in on some of my meetings. But she never says anything.’

She ended up NOT getting that position, and it wasn’t because she didn’t deserve it or wouldn’t have done a good job. It was because those decision-makers hadn’t personally witnessed her adding value and wouldn't take a risk on someone they didn’t know.”

I asked, “Did you talk to her about this missed opportunity?”

“I did. When I asked why she doesn't speak up in meetings, she said, ‘I tried to, but everyone just talked over me. I suggested a way to streamline one of our systems, but no one listened. In fact, a few minutes later one of the men said pretty much the same thing and everyone went, ‘Great idea!’ I finally just gave up.’

I told her, ‘Don’t you realize, if you don’t say anything at meetings, the people in the room conclude you don’t have anything to contribute?"

I shared this example during my workshop and suggested several ways to contribute at meetings so decision-makers witness us adding value and have first-hand evidence of our LeadHership abilities. Here are those six ways

Six Ways to Add Value and Get Heard, Seen and Respected in Meetings

1. Contribute at least one ACTION-oriented suggestion at every meeting. Not an opinion, an action. Instead of simply sharing what you think or feel, contribute specific pragmatic options of what can be done to move a project forward, turn an idea into reality, or achieve a company objective.

2. Don't point out what’s wrong unless you immediately follow up with how this can be corrected and done right or replaced with something more efficient and effective. In other words, become known as a problem solver, not a problem reporter.

3. Instead of deferring compliments, graciously honor them. If someone praises you, instead of saying, “It was nothing.” or “My team deserves the credit.” say “Thank you. Your feedback means a lot.” Then, add a detail, e.g., “Our goal was to exceed our sales quota this quarter, so we identified three high-profile clients, reached out and were able to turn them into new accounts.” Then, talk about an upcoming initiative so executives are aware of how you plan to continue to produce results.

4. Keep comments to two minutes or less. No one likes a windbag. Richard Branson said, “Time is the new money.” As a presentation coach, I believe time is the new TRUST. By keeping your remarks purposeful and to the point, people will always listen to what you say because you’ve proven you'll be a good use of their time and attention.

5. If someone interrupts, speak up instead of letting them talk over you. Jack Canfield says, "People treat us the way we teach them to treat us." Look at the interrupter, use his or her name, and say, “Mark, let me finish” or “Bev, one more minute and then it’s your turn.” Then, be brief, but conclude your remarks. You’re not being rude, just clear and confident that you as much right to speak as anyone else.

6. Tower, don't cower. If you tuck your head or use a tentative, high-pitched voice, people will doubt your clout. Instead of slouching, roll your shoulders up and back and sit up or stand up. Speak with a voice of authority by ending sentences with downward (not upward) inflection and project so every single person can hear every single word.

A program participant chased me down in the parking lot after that Silicon Valley workshop to thank me.

She said, “Sam, I wasn’t getting credit for my work and I was really resentful. I realize I can’t blame my boss for not giving me the recognition I deserve if I’m not giving him evidence of all the ways I’m making a difference for our clients and company.”

Her feedback reinforced the premise of my LeadHership program. It's idealistic to expect managers to know all the ways we’re contributing and to initiate on behalf of our career goals. They’ve got at lot on their plate. We're just one of their many priorities.

It’s up to us to give our decision-makers real-world evidence of our LeadHership in action. Only then will they be able to trust we're adding tangible bottom-line value because they’ve personally experienced us doing just that. Only then will we receive the projects, promotions and pay raises we want, need and deserve.

The career ball is in your court. How will you be a LeadHer at your next meeting? And how will you THANK the leadHers in your life for their support, encouragement, wisdom, LeadHership and mentorship?

– – – –

Sam Horn, CEO of the Intrigue Agency, is on a mission to help people create a quality life-work that adds value for all involved. Her books - Tongue Fu!, POP! and Washington Post bestseller Got Your Attention? - have been featured in New York Times, Forbes, INC and on NPR. This is excerpted from Sam's LeadHership keynote which she's presented to professional women networks at Intel, Capital One, Amgen, National Geographic, CA Governors Conference for Women, and Women in Consumer Technology. Want Sam to share this your group? Contact Cheri@IntrigueAgency.com

What Do YOU Really Want?

Have you been responsible for so long, you habitually give up what you really want?

I was on a budget while traveling on my Year by the Water, so often elected to stay in back-of-the-property rooms instead of in the higher-priced waterfront rooms.

I was in Los Angeles to work with a client and opted to stay in Marina del Ray, about fifteen minutes from LAX. The hotel staff was so enamored with my adventure, they upgraded me to a suite on the harbor.

As the bellman ushered me into my room, I was met with a stunning sunset framed by palm trees and colorful bougainvillea on my balcony. I opened the sliding glass doors, walked out, threw my head back, received and reveled in the evening air and magnificent 180 degree view with pelicans doing majestic fly-byes.

A long-time friend, Glenna Salsbury. called in the midst of my reverie and revelry. She could tell from my voice how happy I was.

She asked, “What’s going on?” I explained how wonderful it was experiencing this room overlooking the marina.

She was puzzled, “You’re on your Year by the Water. Don’t you normally stay at places on the water?”

I explained about my budget. She paused and then said, “Wouldn’t you rather spend six months overlooking the water than twelve months overlooking the parking lot?”

Yes I would. Yes I would.

How about you? Do you habitually give up what makes you happy?

Have you been emotionally and financially frugal for so long, you no longer even ask for what would put the light on in your eyes?

Are you settling for parking lots when OCEANS are what you really want?

I understand the importance of being responsible, realistic and reasonable.

Yet many of us are doing this to a fault.

We have become so accustomed to giving up what we want, it has become our default.

Many of the people I interview for my SOMEDAY is Not a Day in the Week book tell me it's been so long since they've had the freedom or autonomy to do what they really want, they no longer know what that is.

How about you? Have you been putting everyone else first for so long, you've forgotten what it feels like to put yourself first - for even an hour or a day?

What would you do if you could play hooky for a day - if there were no repercussions and all your responsibilities were taken care of?

What do YOU really want? How can you start bringing more of that into your life?

Granted, as leaders, parents and partners, there are times we need to put what others want first; however there are also times when it’s appropriate to make an exception to our rule – or to revisit and update our rule.

Doing what we really want is a gift that keeps on giving.

I can hardly describe how happy it made me to wake up to water, to have breakfast next to water, to swim in water, to go for an energizing walk along water. It made my soul sing. It set up a happiness ripple effect that positively affected me, and everyone around me, for days.

I could have been in a dingy, dark room overlooking the six-lane highway or parking lot. I could have been in one of those sterile, hermetically-sealed high-rise hotels by the airport that sucks the soul right out of you.

Instead there I was, fully alive, surrounded by people kayaking, paddle-boarding, walking in the fresh air, smiling and enjoying every minute of being outside in nature. (Check out this 57 second video.)

Investing in what makes us happy isn’t indulgent, it’s inspiring.

Life isn’t supposed to be a drudge. We are meant to be happy.

I am not suggesting we can or should do what we want ALL the time. We continue to take care of people. We continue to be financially responsible.

Yet we also take care of ourselves. And that means doing what makes us happy every once in a while – without apology or guilt.

That means getting in, on or by water (or whatever lifts you up and makes your soul sing) instead of giving up what you really want and settling for the parking lot.

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Sam Horn, CEO of The Intrigue Agency and TEDx speaker, is on a mission to help people create a quality life-work that adds value for all involved. Her books have been featured in NY Times and on NPR, presented to NASA, YPO, National Geographic and Capital One. This is excerpted from her upcoming book SOMEDAY is Not a Day in the Week (St. Martins Press, Jan. 2019) Want Sam to speak to your group? Contact Cheri@IntrigueAgency.com.

If You Don't Quit Comparing, Comparing Will Cause You to Quit

Do you compare yourself to others? As Dr. Phil asks, "How's that working for you?" Comparison is an emotional see-saw that perpetuates a one up - one down "Who's better?" dynamic.

When we compare ourselves to others, we either feel inferior (people are better than us) or superior (we are better than other people). Neither feeling is healthy.

We don't want to feel better than other people; that's arrogance. And we don't want to feel other people are better than us; that's unworthiness.

The goal is to have a a centered core of confidence we carry with us wherever we go that doesn't depend on where we are or who we're with.

How do we do that?

Instead of putting ourselves down and comparing ourselves to others - we admire, aspire or appreciate.

Here's an example.

A woman from my “Got Confidence?” workshop told me, “As a result of your program, I rejoined my gym. I used to go three times a week, but had gotten out of the habit. Believe me, my body had paid for being a couch potato. I walked into the aerobics class, took one look at all those hard bodies leaping around in their leotards and was tempted to head home and inhale a pint of Ben & Jerry's.

Then I remembered you saying, ‘If you don’t quit comparing, comparing will cause you to quit.’ You were right. I was about to quit something I wanted to do because of those comparisons.

Instead I admired, ‘Good for them for being in such good shape' and then aspired, ‘How can I get back in shape?’ Not by going home and dating a pint of ice cream. Thanks to that shift in my mindset, I'm now back to working out three times a week.

Every once in a while, I’ll look at the people around me and get intimidated. Now though, I know If I keep focusing on how they're doing better than me, I'll get demoralized or depressed. Instead, I switch my attention back to my goal, which is to be fit and healthy, and I give myself props for effort. That helps me feel good about myself and I'm motivated to continue instead of quit.”

How about you? Do you compare yourself to others? Does any good come out of it?

It's natural to want what others have or to feel bad when they've got something we don't. We look at their glowing Facebook update, fun vacation photos or latest promotion, and it's easy to feel jealous.

The problem is, jealousy don't help, it hurts. It causes us to lose sight of our own value, to question our own self worth, and to feel less than.

Get crystal clear about this, "Comparison is the root of all unhappiness and the ruin of self-esteem."

From now on, follow my friend Maggie Bedrosian's advice to switch envy to appreciation. Maggie told me, "During lunch at our annual convention, everyone went around the table introducing themselves. It turned into a brag-fest. This person had just been on Oprah, this one just had a speaking tour in Europe, this one just got a six figure book deal.

I found myself shrinking in my chair, feeling smaller and smaller as everyone shared their achievements. I had been happy with my life and career until I heard what everyone else was doing. I snuck back to my room after lunch. I was so discouraged, I was thinking about skipping the afternoon sessions. Then my eyes fell on a photo of my husband and son I take with me whenever I travel. Just seeing their faces reminded me how much I love them and how good my life really is, just the way it is.

I impulsively slipped their photo in the back of my plastic name badge. The rest of that convention, anytime someone carried on about where they'd just been or what they'd just done, I would peek at my husband and son's photo and it would instantly re-center me in how I'm already wealthy in what matters.”

How about you? Do you ever feel small when people trot out their latest achievements? Do you feel envious while scrolling through other people's social media posts? Do you look at what others have got, and what you've not?

How will you re-center yourself in who annd what really matters in the midst of all that? What will you do to turn envy into appreciation?

An author told me, "I get depressed every time I walk into a bookstore."

"Why?"

"I look at all those books on my topic and think, "What can I possibly say that hasn't been said before?"

I told her, "If you don't quit comparing, comparing will cause you to quit. Instead:

Admire ... "Good for those authors for getting quality books out in the world."

Aspire .... "How can I get my book out in the world (not by quitting!)"

Appreciate ... "I am so glad I have the autonomy and opportunity to write."

Remember, if you feel your life is like a see-saw, you're probably depending on other people for your ups and downs.

Jump off the jealousy see-saw. Theodore Roosevelt said it 100 years ago and it's as true today as when he first said it, "Comparison is the thief of joy."

If you're feeling discouraged, stop comparing yourself to others. Turn envy into appreciation by focusing on what you've GOT - instead of what you've NOT. Look at who and what you have to be grateful for, right here, right now.

Admire. Aspire, Appreciate. If you do, it will create a centered core of confidence you carry with you that doesn't depend on where you are or who you're with.

And isn't that what we all want?

Are You Treating Your Health, Life and Loved Ones as an Afterthought?

“None of us are going to get out of here alive, so please stop thinking of yourself as an afterthought.” – Anthony Hopkins I just got off my monthly phone call with a long-time friend.

Everyone who has ever met her says, even if they only met her for a few minutes in the hallway, “She made me feel I was the most important person in the world. She listened to every word I said and then said just the right thing to lift me up and move me forward.”

What some people don’t know is she has been dealing with Stage 4 cancer the last two years. She has many 9-on-the-scale-of-10 pain days and never knows which day might be her last.

As a result, she lives every day like it might be her last. That’s not being trite, it’s being true.

I asked her, “What do you wish people knew that you now know?”

“I wish they would emotionally put themselves at the end of their life. It would help them be more mindful about how they spend their time.”

“What do you mean?”

“Mindful means asking ourselves, 'Does this really matter? What will matter in the long run?' When we know we have a limited amount of time, we’re really careful about who we spend it with, what we spend it on.”

Following my call with her, I asked myself, “What am I NOT doing that, at the end of my days, I will wish I had?”

The answer came immediately.

I would wish I had initiated more outings where our whole family got together. I’ve been fortunate this last year to spend time with Tom, Patty and their kids in Boulder and Maui for Christmas, and with Andrew, Miki and Hiro in NY and LA … but it’s been two years since we’ve all been together.

That’s too long. I am the matriarch of our family. It is up to ME to initiate gatherings.

So, I sent them an email asking, “Who wants to run the Bolder Boulder 10K together?”

The Bolder Boulder is the second largest 10K in the country. Anyone can do it. competitive runners, walkers, babies in strollers, even corporate teams in costumes.

This will give us all something to train for, something to look forward to. It will be a wonderful “excuse” to get outside, get fit, and have fun while creating a celebratory and memorable experience.

I can hardly put into words how right this feels.

How about you?

Are you spending your time carefully or carelessly?

What priorities - health, loved ones, your life - are you treating as an “afterthought?”

If you project yourself emotionally to the end of your life, what will you wish you had done?

Why not put a date on the calendar and initiate it now?

Henry Miller said, "Life, as it is called, is for many of us one long postponement."

Are you floating through life, promising yourself you'll do more of what's important ... when you have more time, money or freedom?

Often, the things we wish we had done don't cost a thing. They just involve spending quality time with loved ones, doing things we enjoy, and looking around and appreciating what's right with our world.

And we can all do that, right here, right now if we make it a priority.

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Sam Horn, CEO of the Intrigue Agency, TEDx speaker, and author of POP!, Tongue Fu!, and Washington Post bestseller Got Your Attention? is on a mission to help people create a QUALITY life-work that adds value for all involved. This is excerpted from "SOMEDAY is Not a Day in the Week" (St. Martins Press, 2019)